Darkpower: The Site
November 8, 2006
There has always been issues that we as individuals have had to deal with, and there are sometimes awful hands that life deals us, in order to make us have to work in order to get the kind of life that we desire. It is also well known that we can also choose our own fate. We can choose where life takes us sometimes, and sometimes, those decisions, sometimes rash and sometimes without conscious, can swing the pendulum of life in a direction that we would rather it not go towards. This direction is a direction that many have to face within their lives and within their minds. One way or another, we will have to face these demons and we would have to face these issues that many have either leveled upon us or what they have leveled upon us for whatever reason they would have to go and levy those issues upon us.
Such issues were levied upon myself five years ago due to an issue that I had imposed some time ago. And even though I was not the best person in order to handle the situation, the fact remains that five years later, in a time where many people take it upon themselves to make worse decisions than myself or others like me could possibly think up, the people that were affected by such decisions are still talking about these issues as if the incidents occurred yesterday, at a time in which many could have just let water flow under a bridge.
The incident was in fact regarding a website that I had frequented for some time before the issued had occurred. However, with all the issues that had occurred, and what I had done to try to vent out frustrations towards the issue is without a doubt shameful and unacceptable, there has to be some recourse. There has to be some form of reconcile, that says that after a certain amount of time, the people involved would learn that forgiveness is a powerful tool, used in the easiest of ways, that can make a huge difference in what transpires between any two people. A tool in which has made many people be able to move on from hauntings of murders and grim reminders of past issues, in which many wouldn’t be able to move on if they didn’t do such. A tool which has stopped many wars and many fights, many even before they are able to begin. And a tool in which these very people have obviously forgot existed.
I am talking about the people at A Sailor Moon Romance, or ASMR for short, a Sailor Moon fanfiction website that has gotten a lot of press, even now, when Fanfiction.net cannot seem to find its own freedom that it used to advertise so proudly. The incident, occurring five years ago, was regarding an issue of moderators. Along with a colleague that I had befriended and admired, I was a moderator of a message board on their ever-so-busy forums, specifically on a board entitled “Just Plain Chat,” a general chat forum that could also be considered to be an “off topic” forum. The forum had a lot of press and a lot of traffic, and I was lenient to the core. Very rarely did I have to enforce any kind of rule from the rulebooks. In fact, I can only recall one instance in which I had to make a statement as to who was in charge to someone, and even then, the exact issue that it was regarding escaped me. So it was no surprise that I could trust someone frequenting the board to not stir up any troubles. This and at the time, I was involved in an ugly personal dispute with a person that I was seeing. After I had finally moved on from the person that I was seeing, I had visited the message board a few days afterwards to discover an unpleasant surprise waiting for me. My moderator position was gone, along with the forum that I was moderating. The board’s sequel, with all new moderators, took its place. It wasn’t the notion that I was removed that was the issue in question. By far, the infrequent way I was visiting the forums at that point, if someone were to have pointed out this issue to me, explaining to me what their options were, I would have been more than happy to at least give some sort of agreement that would’ve made everyone happy.
However, the very issue that began the entire ordeal was that there was no sort of information regarding this sent to anyone that needed to see it. Not to me, not to my colleague, not to anyone that mattered. I do know that my behavior over this issue was enough to send anyone overboard and there were actions that no one should need to see or experience. However, as the age old saying goes, it takes two to tango, and the partner in this tango was ASMR, neglecting to even say that there would be a change being implemented. However, to make things even worse, when the issue was brought about that there was neglect to even make aware of any type of change as monumental to someone as what took place at that point, instead of just making a small apology and getting it over with, they went on the defensive, saying that they were in the right, and that by me implying that I was wronged, I was incompetent, and an idiot, for not just taking this issue lying down. I am sure that if anyone would to be in that position, to be dropped from a website crew, any crew, without any sort of notification or warning, that anything of the sort of removal or termination of employment or position was set to occur, then anyone in that same position would feel somewhat betrayed, and would have to pull a knife from the center of their back from the action.
Again, by providing these points, no one is saying that my actions, in whole or in part, were appropriate, nor should these points provide an excuse for such actions. Making threats and epithets of any kind is wrong and should not be tolerated, and unfortunately, the anger and the temper that I had let build up over that past year had surfaced, and a monster, unlike anything that many had seen or heard about in their own lives, including my own, had made itself known in the absolute worst way possible. However, while those threats and epithets were extreme, there are also some that were mere fabrications and those that deserve further explanation.
For instance, an issue about a board member’s anorexia, in which she had posted in the public message boards concerning such an issue. Later on, on a post in my Live Journal, in which one can safely imagine would lure far less readers than that of the message boards, I had made a post concerning that very issue, concerning my take on the issue. I had not revealed the person’s name, but they were less than pleased that I had posted the fact that she was suffering from such an issue, and then, in a reply to the Live Journal post, revealed that she was the person that I was referring towards. Anyone with any sort of intelligence would first realize that posting such an issue on a public message board, which gets far more than one hundred thousand visitors per day, would more than reveal who that person was, and would make any attempt to hide her name on any other medium absolutely worthless in futility. Secondly, the notion that a name was hidden until she had posted that she was the referee more than points out that her intelligence was not completely gathered, because if it was, she would’ve known that anorexia affects one in two hundred women, and thus, there could be a number of individuals in which that one posting could have referred to, and that she wasn’t the only one dealing with the disorder. However, none of this mattered, because to the person dealing with the disorder, I should’ve never revealed in any way that she had such a disorder. I had thought the disorder was already revealed, and if it wasn’t, the case statistics can only confirm my theory that the posting could’ve been about anyone at all, online or in the local world I do live in.
But there was something worse still within this entire charade, within this entire issue that someone could’ve prevented by not providing lazy execution towards a notification. There are the threats that one had said that I committed, without even the slightest bit of investigation into the circumstances surrounding the accusation. An accusation levied upon my by Andrea Hui, the owner and founder of ASMR. In this accusation, she had accused me of threatening someone of rape a year before this had even begun, saying that she had let me linger for a year afterwards. Anyone who had done their homework about me and the issues that had surrounded me far before this had even surfaced can explain about a problem regarding my America Online account being hacked by someone with a twisted sense of humor. In the high school in which I attended, computers that had AOL Instant Messenger, or AIM, installed on them with easy access to them were readily available to all of the students in attendance, including myself. The program had an option to save ones password that they would use in order to log into the account, which I had foolishly checked on. Someone who had seen my screen name had logged onto this account and had begun to talk to many people that were online and on my friends list at that point in a way that was obscene and detrimental. I had many difficulties in the past with attempting to rectify the situation after such damage was done, and I had even made a comment on a past website of mine concerning the hacker. This was well documented concerning the hacker. Furthermore, anyone who had their time stamps on and had documented the conversation could easily investigate my whereabouts at that time, which were, save from very early in the morning until 8:45AM EST and at lunch time at 11:30AM to 12:00PM EST, clearly in a class and unable to access a computer at all. Unfortunately, Andrea refused to even check up on these and other pointers that could clearly prove my innocence, for the reason that she had also let her own anger take control, and let pure rage cloud her common sense of judgment. She desired to be correct, and was not going to let the facts get in the way of that assumption. Not to mention her assumption that a “e-mail bomb” threat meant that I was going to mail her a Unabomber-type package that was going to blow up her house, far worse than the threat I was actually making, which is to flood her inbox with several e-mails at once, which while it wasn’t in any way the right thing to do, was far better than the assumption she had imposed. Finally, keep in mind that all of the threats were taking place off of the ASMR message boards, in which I am still not aware how anyone could make an assumption that what happens on a AIM chat room could be carried onto a ASMR message board if no one posts the chat log.
Finally, there was a double talk issue. Andrea at one point explained to me that if I had behaved good enough, a window were to open to return to ASMR. However, not even a half hour after that conversation was made, one of her dear Administrators and site contributors, “Destiny”, had contradicted what Andrea had said, saying that as long as she was on ASMR, I would not be let back into the site. To this day, I am unaware if Andrea has even been made aware of Destiny making such a statement to me.
This all led to my permanent ban on ASMR. A permanent ban in which they claimed was their first, and while that may be true, it wasn’t their last, I can assure you. A few weeks later, a man by the name of “Rock Volant” registered his name onto the site. I was not this person, but one thing is for certain, everyone was convinced that I was him. Also, to this day, they have refused to speak of my very name, referring to me as “He Who Shall Not Be Named”, or just “HWSNBN”.
With all of this occurring five years ago, why are we opening up the old wounds today, in a time when we are now worried about far worse issues affecting the fanfiction world today? It is because of this. Five years later, the people of ASMR, the moderators, the members, the visitors, the very people who idolized ASMR from its very injunction, have yet to even try to let the wounds even start to heal, believing that someone who had five years to contemplate anything that had happened, and had five years in order to step back and think, or to forgive and forget all that had transpired, and had only wanted to be forgiven, would murder the very people that these ranting were aimed at if the person were to ever come across them or see them on the street. Yes, I would gladly want for the wounds to heal myself. I do realize that the relationships, to put it mildly, may not be the same as before. However, one can only imagine how awful, how pathetic it must feel like to have a five year old grudge that will not go away. And yet, these people, whenever the very mention of my name is brought up, begin the tearing down of my very foundation once more. And what for? What would possess them to still carry on concerning the actions that I perpetrated during that time, even though the very actions I had done would be the same as those conducted by a regular internet troll, in however setting could be considered, in however context, and whatever persistence that troll may possess, trying to get his or her fifteen minutes of fame? What were in my words, what did I say, that was so different, from the people with an IQ of below two getting an account at the website would say, that it warrants such a different set of behaviors, especially when these very same people, the very same people who would not know the first thing of the other said trolls, have said that they did not know enough about me to know that I was not normally capable of committing such actions as those committed that quarter year? There is a simple answer to this, one in which many reading this, especially the ones that were involved in that incident five years ago, will not like me revealing. That is, that they didn’t want to admit, that I was right that that they were also at fault.
As I had pointed out before, it takes two to tango, and while my actions only worsened the situation, the very fact that no one investigated, no one reached out, no one cared to even look at the other side of this story, only proved me right. That deep down, they knew that they should’ve sent an e-mail, or some sort of message about that moderator change. How hard was it to sent a simple letter, one in which it would only take about ten to twenty minutes to type up and send, that no one could’ve done it and sent such a letter? Anyone that was a member of ASMR since 1999 until that faithful day, deserves that much, and that anyone, who Andrea came to herself and requested that they were to be a moderator because she trusted them, deserves such, whether it’s me, her family, her friends, anyone, in the very same position. Anyone knows that someone who had suddenly snapped in the way that I had in that time frame had a reason, and wasn’t necessarily just wanting to be an idiot.
Of course, there are those who have let the water subside from the banks and let the bridge be rebuilt, and for that I am thankful. These people have seen me for the person I really am, or at least the person I believe deep within to be, which is a kind, gentle person, who is very opinionated, and wears his emotions on his sleeve. However, there are still people, as one person who had brought to my attention via an e-mail to respond to my questioning her sudden removal of my name from her AIM program list, that there are still people who do think that I would kill the people that made me angry. There are still some people that just won’t allow the actions of someone that have since made a conscious effort, at least in some minds, to correct the mistakes that he had wrought upon himself without putting him though some sort of living Hell. The past is the past, and while sometimes it is hard for any one person to wipe clean the past, one would only assume that it is clearly understandable that no one can change what is the past, and that from those mistakes that we have made in the past, that we learn to not make those same mistakes again. From what the 2006 midterm elections teaches us, we obviously pay for our mistakes, regardless or when, or where, or how.
Once one has admitted to the mistake, no matter how large it may be, then a new found respect should be seen. Even a mass murderer can be given forgiveness, it has been seen time and time again in American history that such an action of forgiveness has happened before. It’s just a matter of having the strength, and the desire, to say that one is forgiven. Then and only then should the healing process be officially underway, and one can learn and see what the person that they have held a grudge with for so long, has done in order to change their ways. Friends that have had a falling out can become friends again if person A were to say to person B that they are forgiven, and an attempt at an apology is accepted. Bitter enemies can also become the best of friends just as easily. The only thing stopping these people, that I have made despise the very air I breath and the very ground that I walk on each and every day, from doing the same is that they have never once had such desire, such strength, to even attempt to see any kind of other side. There was a person that had sent me a message saying that they did not want to see things in a different light, making the point that this person enjoyed what he or she was thinking at the time about the situation, and did not want to even look at anything that could possibly change his or her mind. This was ignorance in its highest regards, and it is ignorance that so many people, both in this issue and in others, sadly possess. It is this closed mindedness, this sad case of ignorance, and the case of prejudice and unfairness that led to the person that had blocked the one person that she had thought would react to the truth in a way Saddam Hussein would, or bin Ladin would, or in the way I would have in the manner that I was from November of 2001 to April of 2002 if she would have told me the truth that would not have shocked or upset me in the least, knowing that we live in a busy world in which no one ever has enough free time for projects they only claim they have no interest in, or that they were afraid of something they heard through the grapevine that should only be made as heresy to someone who had no prior incident with the accused beforehand, that has sadly led us to this point, and to this message that shouldn’t have even been necessary.
So what is to be gained from this? What could possibly be made clear by bringing up an incident that occurred five years ago up once again? What good could this possibly do anyone? It brings untold details about how this incident came to be into focus. Those who were not told of some of the information will now see the full particulars that led to this now sad state of affairs. Furthermore, it explains a side of the story that had, at least in the minds of some such as myself, been suppressed for five years. The words that spewed out of my mouth then were definitely not worthy of anything but the highest form of punishment, but at the same time, the actions that led to those words would in fact make those words make at least some bit of sense. It brings a sense of closure to some people, a chance to finally move on.
But most importantly, it is an attempt, in order to callout the very people that have continued to allow this to be kept alive. To allow the very grudge that leads to this now curdled version of ASMR, at a time where Andrea Hui has continued to be accused of playing favorites anyway, at a time where people think other Sailor Moon fanfiction websites are getting much more attention, at a time where many have at least been thinking of migrating elsewhere, and at a time where forgiveness can be a more powerful tool than ever, to continue. It is a callout, for the very people that have let this continue, to put to rest the grudge. There is no manner in which anyone would be found dead, unless by natural causes, for any type of grudge coming from the end of the author of this statement. There would be no means of losing ones temper. We are all too mature, too intelligent, to continue to play a game of cat and mouse the way this issue has become. This is a callout, a challenge, for these people who have accused me of whatever hysteria that they could possibly come up with and with whatever reason or manner that they are able to use to try to support these very claims, to put aside the differences, and to ask themselves, what have I done to them lately? This is a callout to the people who believe in the tales these aforementioned individuals spout, to be their own judges, to be their own jury, to find out that the waters are not as deep, and the fires are not as blazing as one would claim that they are. This is a callout to the people that have let their minds become polluted with this hysteria, to make certain that one would know of the facts, before making any decision. This is a callout to the moderators and the administrators over at this website, to admit the faults that they too have made to allow the situation to go as far as it did, before it went too far, which would include a time to cool off for all parties including myself, which was never even attempted. This is a callout to me, to tell myself that there is a part of me that scares even me, and a dark side that hasn’t came out since and to tell myself that the demon that had came out five years ago has been slayed without even the hope of the demon coming back to life.
But finally, this is a callout to Andrea Hui, the very person who owns ASMR. The very person who actually joined in on the action of making sure I was the one that the buck was passed to. With twenty minutes, these five years could have been avoided. With twenty minutes, me and the rest of the ASMR members that were there at the time would’ve never had even began. Twenty minutes, long enough to write one e-mail, I’m not that hard to locate on the internet, to inform of a single, solitary change, that changed the moderators of a message board. Andrea, you need to admit to the people that populated your website then and those who do now, that you were wrong. That you were wrong to not investigate further the accusation of a rape threat that obviously came from a hacker who used my name to have some fame with the inside nickname of “Dilly” that I have never used on the internet before. That you were wrong to assume that I would even fathom to slay anyone or bomb anyone. That you were wrong to not communicate to Destiny that you had made a then judgment call concerning my future at your website, or any other administrator at the time about the decision you had made at that point. That you now play favoritism with an administrator that was nearly out the door when I was still populating the board, and now refuses to give me the time of day while anyone that speaks out in any way against you is labeled as any negative adjective that you want to label them, while bragging about your self-proclaimed discreet time management skills in such a way that it would make anyone violently ill. That you were wrong in the continuation of passing the buck to me concerning the moderation situation. A simple understanding of the very issue that was made would’ve been enough for the issue to just go away. But most of all, that you were wrong in not putting into your schedule twenty minutes to write a simple e-mail that would’ve made the whole issue to not even be that.
Andrea, on behalf of the ASMR community, then and now, that has put up with this issue for the entire five years, you, moreso than anyone else involved that owe one to many various parties as well, own the people at ASMR and the people that were involved in this Hell an apology. You owe the moderators, then and now, an apology for not even acknowledging that there would be a dispute about the moderators situation. You obviously owe me an apology for the produced bomb threat that you made yourself and for accusing me of a rape threat that I never once made one year before this even began, and for allowing the feuds to continue until a line was crossed. You owe the now disbanded “wives” clique an apology for the feud that ensued between me and them, which could’ve been avoided had you taken the alluded to twenty minutes. You own the person that you said I had threatened to rape an apology for not investigating it further than you did, to know that something wasn’t right in the threat, or to even mention it when you first received the news, as the person who received it in the first place could’ve been a very good friend of mine beforehand and the friendship therefore salvaged had you not stalled to even done anything, as the person who had received it had more or less told you about it when it happened. You owe everyone on the board now an apology for continuing to show favoritism towards anyone that bows down to you and does whatever you want them to do while berating anyone that even dares say anything bad about you.
Finally, though, you owe an apology to the internet community altogether. For allowing this to continue on for five years. For this to be a black mark on the thing that has made the internet what it is today. You owe a lot of people an apology, Andrea. And if you think this is passing the buck from me, who deserves blame myself, to you, then think of it this way: I’ve gotten so many bucks passed. It’s time for me to use those bucks, to pay some bills.
And Andrea, maybe when you apologize to all those individuals, they will forgive you. And then you will truly realize, that forgiveness is that powerful tool that can change a lot of things, the same way twenty minutes could. It was, after all, an ordeal that we had to go through that was dealt to us. You, unfortunately, was the dealer, and I truly do forgive you, for that. May everyone else forgive you, like they hopefully will for me. Then we can get back to playing the other cards that life deals us. The cards, that actually give us a fair hand.
Good night, and good luck.
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