Cleaning Out Her Closet

Cleaning Out Her Closet
By: darkpower

RATING: R (harsh language, some sexual content)
DISCLAIMER: Sailor Moon isn't belonging to me (but it will soon, after I get done plotting my plan). Cleaning Out My Closet isn't mine, either, as all of the Eminem stuff belongs to him and Aftermath (although the song kicks ass).
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If anyone has the CD The Eminem Show, or know about the upcoming movie 8 Mile, there an excellent cut called "Cleaning Out My Closet," where basically the entire life story of Slim in a nutshell (free plug for that album to anyone to go get it, the explicit version, too. It's an excellent CD), and a sad one at that. Since I love that song to death, and because of my pertential streak of Beryl fics in the past three years I've done fanfiction, why not put her past to rest once and for all. Thus, this fic. Think whatever you want, this is her life, and why she did what she did, and thought what she thought. This is all in first-person from herself, as well. Also, be advised that this particular story is a different account of Beryl's former life than what most of my other fics have given her. I thought to be a bit more original here, so don't be alarmed. And thanks to SailorLilian and her fanfic "The Real Beryl" for giving me the ideas for parts of this story (and thanks to her for the permission to use the ideas).
FORMAT: Italics = Song lyrics/Regular = Original account
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I'm sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet

I'm writing you today to tell you about my life. To tell you about my pain, my trauma, my Hell. Something that no one knew, or would've ever known unless I have told you.

Let me take you right back to before I even knew I was a princess, before I knew of my place in the Dark Kingdom. My mother was very loving to me. Very caring to me, always comforted me when I cried or was pissed off. But...

...my faggot father must've had his panties up in a bunch.

Goddammit, he had to be a fucking jerk to me. Every single day, he would come into my room and shout at me, for no fuckin'-good reason. Then one day, he pulled his hand back and, WHAM! Right across the face, knocking me down. That was the first of a series of moments in which I'll never forgive him for. I don't know if there was a day in my childhood in which I was beaten or scarred or bruised or something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even now, when I go to bed and dream, those nightmare about him coming back and continuing where he left off, kicking me in the ribs, me spitting out blood. Not even the rumors of him suffering a painful death has stopped these horrid dreams at night. Everytime I think of him, I wish that those rumors are fucking true. If they are, then I wish I would've been there. Not to rescue him, but to see him burn, and go straight to Hell, where he belongs. He even said one day he wish he could see me die. Well father, if you're reading this,...

...I am dead. Dead to you as can be.

You're not a father to me no more. I don't want you as one no more. I hate you're rotten, motherfucking guts, and I hope you're dead or that you do die. If you didn't die, let me do it for you, as I would love to see you suffer every single day you made me go through.

Thank God one day my mother saw him pull his fist up to hit me again. I coward into a ball, when my mother came in and ended up taking the blow for me. She would've rather died herself than to see me die. She didn't, and thank God she didn't, because she was able to get him out of my life, as well as hers. She married an excellent man soon afterwards, and he treated me like a princess. He was the father I wish I had all those wasted years.

Like a princess. The day he came into our lives was the day she let it slip. That he would be the king of the Dark Kingdom. Maybe she thought I was stupid, but she thought wrong if she did. Right away, I knew my life was just beginning. When I asked, she told me all about my place as the princess. In a way, I thought it would be payback for all the shit my father made me go through. But at the same time, I felt like I would never be just a normal kid. I was never normal. Never the girl I wanted to be. I wanted to be loved. Yes, my mother loved me till the day she died, but I wanted another kind of love. I wanted more than a boyfriend. A soulmate, a lover, a husband. Someone that would've been someone who I could have a child with. That was going to be something I was hoping for since I turned fourteen. The chance to be a mother. But that never happened, or will never happen to me.

Fourteen is also when my mother died. Her and my stepfather were going to a service for peace. They never told me where, but it would be the last thing they said to me. When I heard the news, my life was just about over. All they had to say was, "You're mother and father went to better place." I had thought that they went somewhere and weren't coming back. Was that ever the truth. Just a moment later, I was told what really happened. A crash happened en-route to their destination, and they didn't see it. Dead on impact, they said. I cried myself to sleep that night. I think I'll never cry as hard, or as long, as I did that night. And the real sad part about this story is, I didn't have anyone to hug, anyone to tell me that things would be alright. That they were there for me. In fact, ever since then, I never felt loved by anyone. Not even by the rest of my fucking family. But I want to be loved. I still cry myself to sleep on most night. Mom, I needed you, I loved you, why the fuck did you leave me? I still love you, but I still need you to hold me, to be with me. You'll always be with me though, mom, even though you're gone from this physical world, your spirit lives on.

..maybe I made some mistakes/But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today/What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb/But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun...

Now I'll admit, it was never very smart to go about destroying a entire kingdom and ruining people's dreams and lives forever. However, put yourself in my position. Imagine having the one queen that you looked up to, the one person that you tried to envision yourself as, and to idolize yourself, basically say that you were nothing, and not allowed to have any dreams and hopes and prayers. That you couldn't idolize them because they hated you. That's what happened the night I thought that Queen Serenity was going to let me into the Silver Millennium project. She was the one who betrayed me, although who I started to believe later wasn't any better. I was angry, and saddened. I didn't want to think that she hated me, but banning me from the solar system was something I don't think I would've ever recovered from, and I still haven't. I wanted to help her out with the Silver Millennium project. I would've protected the Moon like no other person could ever hope to do. But no one even gave me a chance, and judged me on my past. What the hell was it all for that Serenity judged me? I thought she was so nice and warm hearted. But that all changed that day for me. And my kingdom needed the help, as well. I couldn't believe that they took joy of thinking that I was so fucking selfish and wanting everything for myself. But Serenity,...

...I'ma make you look so ridiculous now.

Why is it that only the Moon would've been protected? What about the other planets, huh? Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, as well as the other planets in the Solar System played just as much of a role as the Moon did. So why didn't they get as much recognition as the Moon? Why did the Moon have to be the one to be protected 24/7, but the other planets suffered? That was something that got to me. And you had the fucking nerve to say that I was selfish? I wasn't selfish. Look in the fucking mirror, Serenity. You cannot understand me. As for your posse that was there that day, I'd...

...Leav'em with the taste as sour as vinegar in their mouth. See, they can trigger me, but they never figure me out.

But Serenity, I showed you the day you would remember for the rest of your life if you were still alive that I would've protected your Moon, with my life. The reason I accepted Metallia's offer is because I knew of her plans. She was going to go after your daughter, Serena. Yes, that right. If she didn't possess me, she would've done so to Serena, and I didn't want for her to do that. Serena wouldn't have had to power to at least resist some of that temptation. Serena wouldn't be able to withstand it. So I decided to let her possess me. I was able to withstand the pressure, to a certain extent.

And I did the day your kingdom got leveled. Metallia was the one to slaughter you, not me. But before you shot me with the crystal, you saw Edmonton and the princess enclosed in the bubble. If I didn't do that, Metallia would've killed them with that shot that leveled the kingdom. And I sacrificed my free-will for the safety of your children, as well as my freedom. You enclosed me into that hell, but I didn't mind it, as long as you knew what to do from there.

Isn't that right, Metallia. You knew that I wasn't going to go along with your shitty plans. You know it, and I know it. I'm not going to give in to the greed and torment just for my own well-being. Yes, I was going to go and tell Serenity that I was in the right, but you changed me. Metallia...

..Bitch, do ya song/Keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom/But how dare try to take what you didn't help me to get/You selfish bitch, I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit.

I don't want you in my life anymore, Metallia. It's cold when you're lonely, ain't it? You promised me the world, yet you took everything I worked so damn hard to get, but you didn't care. You saw that I had very little, and you couldn't hold you're greedy self until you found something worth taking. You took the only things that I had, as well as my own free-will. I helped you take that from me, but I never dreamt that you would go as far as you did. I don't need your help, Metallia. If I knew how much you would take away of what I still had of my life, I would've never, ever accepted you, you worthless excuse for a bitch. I hate you, and will always hate you until either you or I die. But when I die, I'll be going to a happy place. You'll be burning in hell.

Now before you all go and try to say that I purposely tried to take away everything that my kings tried to do for me, let me tell you that I didn't know of the shit that was going on in their private lives. I wasn't careless, or selfish or heartless. I just wasn't told, or didn't feel that it was in my right to know those things.

Jedite was the only one that I thought needed to be taken care of quickly. He was a risk to both the Dark Kingdom and the Universe. I knew right away that he didn't want to have anything to do with the Dark Kingdom or its plans. He was liking Queen Metallia more than he did of me, which was making me worried, because of the shit that bitch can make people believe sometimes. And he was my friend, believe it or not. I didn't want him to do something that he would awfully regret. I put him into eternal sleep because I didn't want for Metallia to totally get to him, and for him to lose all control of himself. It was to protect himself, although I made people think that it was something different. All this time I was trying to not make people worry about the true power that Metallia carried. I'm sorry, Jedite, but I had to make sure that you didn't get yourself into something you didn't know how you could've handled.

And I'm sorry to Zoicite, as well. How the hell was I supposed to know that you were in love with Malachite? Why didn't you tell me that you were in love to begin with? You know the only reason I was pissed at you was because you did something that I didn't want for you to do. You killed Nephrite, and then you tried to kill Darien, someone that we needed, or that Metallia needed. Afterwards, it was Metallia that ordered me to kill Zoicite. It was her, not me, that gave me the cruel and heartless orders. And even then I had no fucking idea that you two wanted to be together with one another. You couldn't have told me anything about it? Why didn't you tell me? Were you cared, afraid of me? Did you know you could've told me this shit? I wouldn't have carried them out if you had told me. Metallia is the one that was heartless. I was the one who had to give up my heart to her. That's why I still never had the ability to love. I still don't know what true love even looks like. So how should I tell when you two are in love like that if I never was truly loved by someone. Metallia took that away from me. Maybe you could've shown me what it was like. Shown me how to love someone. But it was too late. Please forgive me, guys. I needed you, and I blew it.

No one knew how much I screwed up my life, and how much I sacrificed to keep the people that I cared about safe. Mama, I missed you, and I need you, still. Even now, when I thought that I could do all of this by myself, but I cannot. I wish people would be able to feel the tears that I tasted over my entire existence. I still love you, mama, and I wish you were here. You don't know how many sleepless nights I had night after night holdin' that pillow, wishing that it was you engulfing me with your soft and gentle arms around me. And I never got that, not even one time. You died too soon, mama, and I wish you were still alive. But wherever you are, and wherever you may hear me, I love you. This kiss is for you.

I'm sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet
(One more time/I said)
I'm sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I'm cleaning out my closet
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Okay, I am done. E-Mail me with comments. Gone.